Do you ever get tired of hearing "There's a light at the end of the tunnel?"
I have been consumed with this suffocating feeling of giving up. I have been searching for the light at the end of the tunnel since I was 13, when I first got sick. Ever since then, the light at the end of the tunnel has been just a simple flicker and every time I get close to it, it turns to darkness again. Twelve years of fighting for my life. Twelve years of waking up every day and wondering which organ is going to fail next.
"How are you handling all of this?" My endocrinologist asked me today. "I'm over it," I exhaustingly answered. I feel defeated. I'm tired of fighting. I have nothing left to give, or so I tell myself. The voices in my head are much louder than before. "You are such a burden." "Everybody's life would be easier if you weren't here." "You are too much." "You are too broken for anyone to love you." "It's over." "Just give up now." "Nobody likes you." "Your opinion doesn't matter, just stop talking."
I've been struggling the last few months with these new heart problems along with my other illnesses. There's been a few times where I have felt universes away from here. I hear people talking, but I just don't feel like people can hear me, so I stay silent. I stay silent and let the world think that I'm "okay." It's easier that way, isn't it? If I say otherwise, then people won't leave me alone, they will feel like they have to watch me 24/7 because I might do something stupid, so I just keep faking it. I'm pretty good at faking it during the day, but at night, it's like the world is crashing down around me and I'm drowning and all I can do is cry myself to sleep and pray that I will feel better in the morning. I usually do, but then the night comes and it happens all over again. You see, depression isn't the same for everyone. Depression isn't always the person who wears black, sits by herself and doesn't speak. Depression can be wearing bright colors, being there for all of your friends and making sure everyone else is taken care of because you don't want them to ever feel the way you are feeling.
I want to be strong. I want to make the world a better place. I want to be there for my friends. I want to be the light. I don't want this darkness inside of me. I'm working on it. It may look different than others. I may be slow to respond to texts, I may spend the weekends dedicated to resting and doing what makes me happy.
I have to find the light again, but if I can't find it, I WILL MAKE THE LIGHT. I just need time and maybe you do, too. If you are feeling this way, you are not alone. Let's create our own light together.