Sometimes I’m that girl who runs a 5k and doesn’t let anything and I mean ANYTHING, stop her. And sometimes, I’m that girl who carries the world on her shoulders and never lets people know when she can’t handle it all anymore.
Shawn Mendes wrote a song entitled "A Little Too Much" that I relate to in so many ways. The lyrics read,
“She would not show that she was afraid
But being and feeling alone was too much to face
Though everyone said that she was so strong
What they didn’t know is that she could barely carry on.”
The hardest part for me is knowing that both kinds of girls are okay. The saying “Sometimes the strongest people are the ones that smile through the silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about,” has created this stigma that you are only strong if you don’t complain or tell people how hard it is to get up in the morning. Holding in all the pain and depression just so people would see me as that girl who doesn’t let anything stop her, has definitely killed me inside many times. I used to post something on Facebook about depression and then delete it 30 minutes later because I thought “Now people won’t think I am strong. They will think I’m weak.”
The truth is, sometimes this life really is a “little too much.” Some days, getting out of bed is a mental fight. Sometimes taking a shower takes all of my energy. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I wish I was somebody else. Somebody who is stronger, prettier, skinnier. Someone who doesn’t have to give herself insulin every time she eats or her sugar gets high. Someone who doesn’t have to stab herself with a needle every 3 and 7 days. Some days, going to work seems impossible. Yet, I push myself and push myself until I end up in the hospital. Why? Because I want to be strong. I don’t want to accept defeat. Shawn's lyrics also read,
"You gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up.
And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same.
And we know that sometimes it all gets a little to much."
I must learn that it is not accepting defeat to admit that you are struggling. It is not accepting defeat to admit that you need a break mentally and physically. It is not accepting defeat to admit that it is all “a little too much.”
If you feel like you can't go anymore, I beg you to take a break. One of my favorite sayings is "Sometimes it's okay if the only thing you did today was breathe." It's definitely something I am working on.